I have bionic powers of death.

exhibit A: A PlaySkool Lawnmower. (circa 1987)
It all started when I was a chicken-poxed kindergartner and my mom forced me to play with the neighbor's kids so that they could catch the pox as well.
The omnipotence of viral infection must have been too sweet for my immune system. History would inevitably take its course.

exhibit B: A pile of rocks with one mysterious plant sprouting from the center. (circa 1989)
Poison ivy would always grow around Selena's grave. We were told not to touch it. Therefore, an oncoming train would not stop us from touching it. I must have told my pal Danielle that it had magical leaves that would turn her into a glamorous orphan or some shit like that.
But somehow her mom knew that we had been playing around the cat's burial plot again.

exhibit C: A can of Coke, a twizzler, etc. (circa puberty)
I would always seem to forget that I had a flu when someone had asked if they could share a snack or a beverage with me.
Not exactly malicious. Moreso oblivious to my own snot.

exhibit D: Making-out. (circa whenever I get a chance)
My victims: vulnerable boys. Sometimes I would tell them that I had been sick, sometimes I wouldn't even know that I was. More often than not, they wouldn't blink an eye until they awoke the next day; either coughing up blood or experiencing the range of temperatures in hell (from Dante's to Gary Larson's, back to Dante's again).


Concluding remarks:
I am immune to almost every type of infection that doesn't require a jungle climate. I have been working with children for years now, collecting their strains and stringing them onto a skinny thread to tie around my pointer finger. I never get their illnesses. Their illnesses just make me stronger.

Let me tell you that I am the best goddamn carrier you will ever know. I am good at what I do.

Trust me. If not for your own safety, than for the health of your loved ones. For all your knowledge, I might have Mono looming behind every sneeze. No sudden movements, got it?